Delvin Broomstick and his wife, Arthura, returned from a fun-filled adventure in the deserts of Tucson and Phoenix, Arizona last Tuesday. They visited family, enjoyed the “Painted Desert”, and brought home a bag of what looked like prickly green apples.
Delvin told his family, friends, and neighbors that an old Native American explained to him that the green, little round button-looking objects were “cactus tomatoes” and soon, Arthura was going to use the cactus tomatoes in a stew.
Wednesday, about an hour after dinner, Beaverlick Police were called to the Broomstick residence to find Delvin and Arthura nude in the yard. Delvin was standing on the hood of his car, shouting about “Universal Oneness” and “The Vibration of Om” and Arthura was barking and howling like a St. Bernard.
According to authorities, what was thought to be “cactus tomatoes” was actually peyote buttons.
Peyote is a psychoactive alkaloid that comes from a small cactus that grows wildly in the Chihuahuan Desert, can be found in areas of Texas, Arizona, and Mexico, and is common among scrub where there is limestone settlement. This plant, particularly the mescaline within the plant, can produce a wide range of effects including deep insight into one’s spiritual side. Auditory and visual hallucinations are also common with the use of Peyote.
In other words, IT GETS YOU HIGH AS F…
Police wrangled the Broomsticks into an ambulance, but not before Arthura lifted her leg and peed on the back wheel of the ambulance and Delvin started yelling about the meaning of life.
Beaverlick Police Officer Crawford Squirt assured this reporter that he and his fellow officers will take the remaining peyote buttons back to the police station, where they will be destroyed.
In related news, the Sheriffs Department was called to the Beaverlick Police Department last night and found the entire force, including Police Chief Brock Granite naked outside the station barking like dogs and screaming about being “One with The Universe”. According to Sheriff Donnie Curbsmacker, “We have no idea what has caused our colleagues to behave in such a way, but we are investigating all options, including gas leaks and spoiled donut fillings.”
When asked for comment, Police Chief Brock Granite said: “I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, MAN! WE ARE ALL PART OF THIS UNIVERSE AND THE UNIVERSE IS A PART OF US! WHY THE HELL IS YOUR FACE MELTING?”
The Police Department was fully staffed today, with officers spending most of the day drinking a tremendous amount of coffee and occasionally crying.
Chief Granite would like to assure the residents of Beaverlick that their Police are ready to deal with any calls they receive: “Just don’t harsh our buzz, man,” said Granite, “some of us just can’t handle the hassle.”
Cub reporter Dirk Stoneman was first to break the story.