In just a few weeks, Beaverlick Public Works crews have transformed the intersection of Dap Snapper Memorial Way and Esau Heraldo Snark Memorial Thoroughfare into a roundabout that now has Beaverlick citizens afraid to use it.
“The residents in the area were having problems at the intersection determining who goes first when drivers get to the stop signs at the same time,” explained LaVerne Du Chatte, Director of Beaverlick Public Works and former female mud wrestler, “so we thought it would be easier for the residents in the area to navigate the intersection if we put in a roundabout. Now, they won’t use it, and we have no idea why.”
Ms. Du Chatte further clarified: “There was an incident a few years ago when Cleveland Fritch dropped a bottle of 3-Quinuclidinyl benzilate (otherwise known as BZ), but I have no idea if that is part of the problem.”
When asked to explain the ramifications of that incident on the people living in the area of the roundabout, Dr. Ray Cathode, President of the Cathode Chemical Corporation said: “BZ is odorless. It is stable in most solvents, with a half-life of three to four weeks in moist air; even heat-producing munitions can disperse it. It is extremely persistent in soil and water and on most surfaces. It is slightly soluble in water, soluble in dilute acids, trichloroethylene, dimethylformamide, and most organic solvents, and insoluble with aqueous alkali. BZ affects both the peripheral and the central nervous system, BZ inhibits glandular secretions, leading to a dry mouth and foul breath. Cutaneous vasodilation and skin flushing may be noted due to decreased capillary tone. Hyperthermia is due to elevated body temperature secondary to inhibition of sweating and inability to dissipate heat. Vision loss is from a loss of accommodation reflexes and decreased depth of field secondary to ciliary muscle paralysis and mydriasis. Paralytic ileus is commonly seen as a result of anticholinergic toxicity. This can lead to fatal colic in equids. Urinary retention is also a common anticholinergic effect following exposure to BZ.”
Dr. Cathode then said: “I have no idea what all of that means, but one sniff of that stuff and you start seeing little purple men climbing up your leg holding knives in their teeth!”
Yesterday, at the community unveiling of the roundabout, and after a stirring speech by Mayor Oadecker, the first volunteer driver, Merv Plink, drove over the center island in the middle of the circle. Then, Beaverlick Councilman H.H. Brown drove to the stop sign on Dap Snapper Way at the same time Police Chief Brock Granite was pulling up to the stop on the Esau Heraldo Snark Throughfare. Knowing that when two drivers approach an intersection at the same time the driver on the right goes first, Chief Granite let councilman Brown proceed.
Councilman Brown pulled into the roundabout, turning right, and successfully navigated around the circle. Then he went around the circle again, picking up speed. By the time H.H. Brown circled the roundabout the third time, he was breaking the speed limit. Chief Granite turned on his siren and began to enter the roundabout to pull Councilman Brown over when the Councilman came around the roundabout a forth time and plowed into the driver’s side of the Beaverlick Police cruiser.
Police Chief Granite was taken to Beaverlick Memorial Hospital where his condition is listed as “confused”.
H.H. Brown was charged with speeding, public endangerment, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, and being ridiculous at the scene of a crash.
Here is a selection of Beaverlicker opinions about the roundabout:
“Why in the WORLD would we need this? What’s wrong with an intersection? Sure; some people around here had problems with the intersection. But then, some people around here have problems putting on their clothes the right way around!”- Cleeholt Arbogast
“We don’t need this! I didn’t fight to defend this nation for THIS! We aren’t gerbils…or FRENCH!”-Wendell Hunkenborg
“This is nothing but a government population control plot…to control the population! It’s population control! Just like when you are entering the freeway in the same lane that people are exiting the freeway…or eating salad!” -Mertyl Dalrumple
“Hey, Manny! You’re lookin’ pretty good!” -Ula Klinedecker
“It’s not right! It’s just not right! This thing is unnatural and against God’s plan! Like it is written: ‘Thou shalt have an intersection only, and an intersection only will be what ye shall have!” -Reverend Spooty (“Ripper”) Jackthrust
“I have a RASH!” -Alice Mae Thunderhoof
To this day, no one knows why Fritch was carrying a bottle of BZ or why he was even in the area.
The Beaverlick Gazette has determined that “Man In The Street” interviews by Beaverlick Gazette Reporters will be suspended until further notice.